


we fall apart (as it gets dark)

by jaeminstudio



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Insomnia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Light Angst, M/M, N E WAY, Panic Attacks, Sleepy Cuddles, Sort Of, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, chris is sad but jeongin comes to the rescue!!, soft bois
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 02:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18907258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaeminstudio/pseuds/jaeminstudio
Summary: finally, after days- no, weeks of substituting rest with extra practice and unhealthy amounts of caffeine, of pushing away his members and proper judgement by locking himself up in the studio, it's just all too much.__________in which chan can't sleep and jeongin happens to be a great cuddle buddy.





	we fall apart (as it gets dark)

**Author's Note:**

> warnings!!: referenced insomnia, sad chan :(, an anxiety attack at one point (but dw yang jeongin the angel™ comes and helps)  
> [title from billie eilish's i love you]  
> also!! chan doesn't drink coffee that much lmaoo i'm sorry for this fics /many/ inaccuracies

it's getting late. 

 

chan sighs. coffee is dark and hopelessly bitter on his tongue, but he swallows with a resigned grimace. in front of him, the laptop screen pulses blue, pixelated words blending together despite his desperate attempts at focusing. his eyes are dark- carrying luggage far too heavy for the twenty-one year old. 

 

the moon hangs covered by wispy clouds of grey that insist on soaking up the weak midnight glow. their room shivers, a little cold with the ceiling fan spinning in lazy circles, its steady rhythm filling the tense silence. 

 

 _yawn_. his eyelids threaten to shut but he blinks rapidly a few times in succession and downs the rest of his dosage of caffeine in one, feeling a buzz of electricity travel through his nerves, smoothing them out like an iron. _focus now,_ he advises himself, failing dismally. the ceiling fan is no longer moving in a steady, peaceful manner; it’s now beginning to irritate chan, harsh and grating against his eardrums. _focus_. 

 

there's no use. he leans back in his chair, groaning under his breath as he skims over the little progress he has made on the assignment. he _can't_ focus, can't find the right words needed to finish his work. 

 

he's so, so tired. there's a bottle of small, round pills stashed inside his nightstand, but he swallows and pushes the tempting thought out of mind, reminding himself of his doctor's warning. _don't, don't, don't_. so he doesn't. instead, chan wills his body to stop being numb and heavy, pushing himself up off his chair. 

 

from the top bunk, changbin’s snores echo, hushed, soft puffs of breath breaking the silence. chan shuffles to the door with his laptop tucked defeatedly under a sweater pawed elbow. a throbbing headache is beginning to cling to the inside of his skull like a parasite, and he doesn't even want to think about the terrible mood he's going to be in tomorrow. _oh well_ , he figures another cup of coffee can't possibly hurt the situation. 

 

the coffee machine lies abandoned to a corner of the counter, utterly useless due to some unknown accident- chan has a slight suspicion that the broken device is linked to a sleepy hyunjin and a particularly heavy frying pan, but alas, evidence on the matter is yet to be unearthed. he hums tunelessly under his breath as the kettle clicks and rumbles like a tiny engine, and takes his time in measuring out heaping spoonfuls of instant coffee from the jar. 

 

while the water boils away with an occasional hiss every now and then, chan props his laptop open on the island and stares blankly at the document, at the screen glowing dimly, displaying a few, pathetic words typed onto it. his shoulders are weighty and tense as he sighs for the umpteenth time tonight.

 

 the hem of his sweater catches on the edge of the marble countertop, and the sight of the loose thread alone is enough to make his lip wobble dangerously. he just can't get it right. chan's eyes burn and he lets out an involuntary sniffle. _don't you dare cry_ , he warns himself, furiously wiping away scalding hot tears, much to his chagrin. _fuck_.

 

he can't help it anymore. sheer exhaustion washes over his tired frame, dousing him in an angry kind of hopelessness that leaves him gasping and clutching the kitchen counter. his breaths are coming in short, sharp bursts and there's a vice gripping his ribcage, waves of anxiety crashing in. chan does his best to remember the breathing exercises minho had taught him last year, but succeeds in only curling up into a tense ball, feeling far too small and stupidly weak. 

 

finally, after days- no, weeks of substituting rest with extra practice and copious amounts of caffeine, of pushing away his members and proper judgement by locking himself up in the studio without any satisfactory results, it's all too much. 

 

“- _hyung?_ ” who? someone's speaking, his subconscious registers vaguely through the harsh, ragged gasps. humiliation courses through his every nerve and he curses internally at being found in such a vulnerable position. “hyung, what's wrong?” the tiny whisper grows louder, sounding more insistent and positively alarmed this time. 

 

jeongin stands over him, his slightly taller figure casting a shadow over the marbled isle top. his eyebrows are furrowed in concern and he holds a half-open milk carton in one hand, which he sets down before carefully taking one of chan's tightly clenched fists into his own. he eases the fingers apart, making soft shushing sounds and rubbing the sore palm scarred by red crescent indentations before moving on to the other one. 

 

“it's okay hyung, it's alright. you're okay, yeah? it's okay now, don't cry, please…” his voice is cautious but it manages to cut through the hazy cocoon of nausea and panic that has encased chan's senses. 

 

chan’s stifled sobs no longer choke him, threatening to burst his lungs with a lack of oxygen. instead, he finds himself focusing desperately onto the murmurs of the youngest of his team, matching the pace of their breathing. _in, out. it's okay_ , he repeats like a mantra to himself, regaining some control over his mind. 

 

it goes on for a while, jeongin’s warm and familiar presence allowing chan to become aware of his surroundings once again, water turning lukewarm in the kettle at this point. jeongin is staring, chan can feel it, but he refuses to look up and meet his inquisitive gaze, hear his ‘i told you so’s. he swallows, feeling irrationally small again. 

 

“i’m-” his voice is hoarse from disuse, making him wince before he clears his throat to begin again. “i’m sorry you-” this time, jeongin cuts him off with a stern look. “don’t. don’t say sorry for something you can’t control, hyung.” the younger gives chan the same glare that’s so unfamiliar and suddenly mature it makes his heart hurt, before sitting up and smiling hesitantly at him. 

 

“would you like some tea? woojin hyung always says it calms his nerves before stages.” his suggestion is met with a grateful nod as chan realises just how parched his throat is. jeongin busies himself with reheating the water and taking out teabags, disposing of the coffee chan had poured out earlier with a disapproving shake of his head. 

 

chan gets up, eager to help out, but he’s quickly denied access to the steaming cups. instead, jeongin steers him to the laptop and makes chan find a good studio ghibli movie (which is basically all of them, they both agree, but he chooses _kiki’s delivery service_ because gigi is particularly adorable and it’s been ages since they’ve both seen it). 

 

the two of them curl up on the couch a little while later with the volume turned low, caramel coloured drinks swirling in hand. after the first sip, chan feels a warmth seep in through his body, one that’s unlike the bitter shock of espresso with its gentle, homely sweetness. he sighs, stress almost instantly dissipating. 

 

“innie?” he asks, eyes fluttering closed. “yeah, hyung?” jeongin hums in response, tired gaze tearing away from the screen and focusing on chan. “thanks a lot.” the younger beams at this, little dimples forming soft crescents in his cheeks. “it’s no problem. you always take care of us, hyung, so i’m glad i could do the same.” his eyebrows draw together thoughtfully now, concerned once more, “but if you ever overwork yourself like that again, we’re all going to kick your ass, got that?” 

 

chan laughs, a gentle, relieved tinkling melody, and snuggles further into jeongin’s blanket. “sure, innie.” he looks up, smiling with his own dimples on display, “but who would buy you snacks if you all break my brittle old bones?” they both giggle and jeongin pretends to be deep in contemplation, before excitedly replying with an ingenious “we'll just have to steal your credit card details before the smackdown!” 

 

as the two argue playfully back and forth about the pros and cons of sacrificing snacks on friday movie nights, chan can't help but sense a fluttery, soft feeling settle deep within his chest. he thinks it might be a secret seed that's been planted at the bottom of his ribcage and only he can see the shimmery glow of its tentative buds blooming, petals unfurling gradually. butterflies erupt to life and flap around restlessly inside, chasing the invisible flowers as the gap in the curtains filters in the early rays of morning sunshine. 

 

The sun peeks through, casting its welcoming light on the pair of sleeping boys, a mess of tangled earphones and limbs. one of them, the older boy with mussed up blond curls, hums quietly in his sleep, a soft flush on his cheeks. the younger boy has a thin line of drool on his lips and tightens his hold on chan, murmuring cute, hushed instructions to figures seen only in his dreams. 

 

seven other boys tiptoe around the two, each in various states of consciousness but all wearing an indulging grin at the unexpected sight of the youngest and the leader of their group cuddling on the couch. a few hours of gentle snoring in faraway dreamlands later, they both stumble to the kitchen to inhale sugary waffles with far too many drizzles of syrup. 

 

once their hunger is sated, chan gives jeongin an incredibly fond gaze, mouthing a grateful ‘thank you’ across the table. the other boy just smiles with still-sleepy eyes, nudging his hyung’s leg gently as if to say ‘no problem’, or perhaps ‘i love you’. 

 

chan is better rested than he's been in days, still a little drowsy but content with listening to the chatter of the other members, soaking in the sweet sunshine and enjoying their mindless conversations. he's kind of glad for the events that led to the snuggles from the night before - especially as jeongin slips his hand into his own as they walk to practice. 

 

and maybe he starts drinking tea instead of coffee after that, maybe he exchanges melatonin dosages for the warmth of jeongin’s fingers against his own as they watch silly cartoons together on nights they both can’t sleep; maybe chan saves a picture of that first morning (taken and sent to him by seungmin) as his wallpaper and so does jeongin, and maybe- just maybe, that's all that really matters.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i don't really know what this is but it's been sitting in my drafts for a while sjsjfjh so i thought why not post a teeny thing i wrote while i was pretty anxious? lmk what you think!!  
> kudos/comments are forever appreciated and ily forever if you've read this far!!💞  
> -di🌻  
> ps my tumblr is @najaeminloveclub


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